I am....

On December 14th I announced I was leaving real estate to explore new opportunities. I sent a blast announcement via social media and email to my past clients and my sphere. What I didn’t say in that message is that I was taking a break for my own mental health. I was burned out, I was exhausted, I was fighting through a depressive episode, I was spending a lot of time looking at career paths I might enjoy and, while I was good at real estate, I no longer found any joy doing it.  My plan was to take January and February to just relax, focus on introspection, detox from my phone and email. Maybe read a book, take some more photos, go on long, relaxing walks. My kids showed up on December 18th. We had a wonderful holiday that included bringing Grandpa to our new house for the first (and only) time. The knots in my shoulders started to unwind and I could feel some level of stress abating. The kids flew back to their respective homes for New Years, Pete and I had friends over for the first

The anguish of loss is, for the loss of a better word, weird. There’s the initial shock, the overwhelm of the first days and weeks, and then there’s the moments that you think “Oh, I need to tell him that my dad’s surgery went well” that simply punch you in the gut.  And then, in the butterfly effect of bullshit that is suicide, you’re reminded that you’re still so unbelievably angry with your loved one. Can you even use the phrase “loved one” if you’re this angry?   When I dive into the “why am I angry (today)” question it really falls more under the fact I feel betrayed. Pete was supposed to be my support system as I was the support system for my parents. That was the deal. He was to help do the heavy lifting, literally, of things around their house. He was supposed to be around to listen as I shared my fears surrounding the ninth surgery for my dad in the last two years. He was supposed to the simple things like caring for our dog while I drove with my parents to out of town appoint

I've never been dog person.  I swear.  They're loud, rambunctious, messy, attention whores, who slobber and people spend way too much money on them.  But eight years ago my family was struggling to find our joy after the divorce and then someone tried to break into my house.  So, I decided to get a dog.  A big, protective,vicious, bundle of wiggles.....Ebi, the golden retriever. Almost instantly there was a change in my daughter's smile.  My son became more patient and kind. I no longer felt like my house was a tomb that I rattled around in when the kids were at their dad's for the weekend.  Ebi became the catalyst for me to leave the house and take a walk or go to the dog park on my horrible self inflicted blind dates .   She was the litmus test for those guys. If she hated them, they were gone.  When she met Husband 2.0 she fell in love and I knew he was a keeper. And so, last week, when we were in the throes of preparing for a week filled with the joyous celebrat