the mother of a high school graduate. The things I learned along this journey.
She did it. I did it. We did it.
Thirteen years ago my first-born started kindergarten. Yesterday she graduated with Honors. As my first child, I had really no idea what I was doing. I faked it, sure, but I was scared. I was twenty eight years old, in a struggling marriage, a piano teacher, and running a work/life balance consulting firm. Thirteen years later, I'm creeping up on 41, happily married to Husband 2.0, a successful Realtor, and life is a lot calmer.
Here are the things I learned in 13 years, and though I didn't get the cap and gown yesterday, I felt as though in many ways her accomplishments was a source of pride for me as well.
1 - Volunteer early and often. I learned more from Tori's kindergarten teacher about how to be a good parent and a strong support system for my kids than anyone else. She discovered strengths in the parents that we didn't know we had, whether it was organizing the Thanksgiving art project, to helping with the school's silent auction. Volunteering doesn't stop in elementary school. Find a way to support the schools. Your kids will see the dedication you have towards their district and will have pride that their parents make it stronger.
2 - Coach something. It doesn't have to be a sport. I coached the kid's Destination Imagination team for seven years, two two national competitions, and my kids got to see another side of me that they didn't know. They saw leadership, and motivation, and heartache, and frustration. As a mom, I got to know their peers, and their peer's parents, and they helped provide an incredible support system when the kids and I went through some tough times.
3 - Tough times will happen. Whether you protect them or not, kids will (and should) feel pain. Marriage 1.0 wasn't great for very long, but we fought through to try and make it okay for our kids. When it was finally time to throw in that towel the kids were in second and third grade and I was pretty sure that I had ruined their lives. They both acted out in their own ways (and so did I). So many nights I was sure that I had destroyed their happiness or chances at happiness. My son even had a friend that was told that he wasn't allowed to be friends because his parents were divorced and they only wanted friends with "similar values". But...
4 - Kids are resilient. My kids weren't destroyed by my divorce. They will survive trials and tribulations probably better than most adults. They are protected by a layer of innocence. My ex and I (for the most part) parent pretty well together, though the kids live with me most of the time. They needed stability to be resilient, but that stability didn't mean that I needed to stay married.
5 - Have dinner together. This may sound hokey and old-fashioned and "who really has time for this in this day and age!", but I think this is really important. It doesn't have to be every night, or at the same time, or even a healthy meal, but it does need to be frequent. Often the "How was your day?" question immediately after school is met with a curt, "Fine." It's not until later, over dinner, that the real stories seem to emerge.
6 - Encourage self-advocacy and finishing your own damned science projects. I was always amazed (which is another word for disgusted) at the number of kids that came to the science fair with projects that were completed by the parents. Here's the deal. I graduated from high school once, which means that I finished elementary and survived middle school. Thus, I don't need to do projects again. Doing your kid's projects in elementary school will come back to bite you in the ass in high school when they're not able to get things done, which will come back to bit them in the ass when they get to college and realize they can't even use scissors, which will in turn bite you in the ass a second time when they move back in with you after college and can't get a job because they don't know how to work.
7 - Support the teachers, but have the kids back. My rule was generally I will believe the teacher until given evidence to support something different. For the most part, teachers are pretty great. But they're not perfect. Kids need to know that there's a "Mama Bear" that can come to the rescue when the battle gets too tough. Luckily I only had a couple of "mama bear" moments, but my kids know she was there when they needed her.
8 - Grades aren't everything. If you're in a competitive school district it sure feels like they are. I was guilty of thinking that they were for the longest time. I still have to fight that urge. Kids are so incredibly stressed out right now thinking that they won't get into college unless they have a perfect GPA, but perfection comes at a cost. Perfection prevents you from trying new extra curricular activities, perfection prevents you from enjoying time with friends, perfection prevents you from getting a job. Let it go. If your kids are happy and involved then let it be. Their grades are just that...theirs.
9 - Encourage school based extra-curricular activities. Extra-curricular activities should be fun. Busy kids stay out of trouble. This doesn't mean you need to spend thousands of dollars on club sports or private dance lessons. The beauty of most public and private schools is that there are dozens of clubs and teams. You shouldn't have to pay for the privilege of being on them, though with the growth of club sports that's becoming more of a reality (but that's a rant for another blog.)
10 - It's okay to have "nerds" for kids, in fact, it's probably easier. My kids are pretty naive. They don't party. They hardly date. It's not because they're not attractive, social butterflies, and maybe I don't really know why they've made the choice to not party in high school. Maybe they're too busy. Maybe I'm naive. But what I know is that we have escaped high school without a lot of the drama that happens when kids party all the time and date constantly.
11 - Be the party house, but not the "party" house. Yes, I just said my kids don't party. If you want to prevent that, then control the environment. I've hosted hundreds of kids at the house for cast-parties and have developed a reputation both as the fun house and as the strict house. Because of that when the cops were called to a cast party because the kids were singing too loud at 1:30 in the morning, I could happily let the cops come in, see that there were no illegal activities and the kids could continue celebrating. I can only imagine what would have happened if they were at a house where the parents thought "It's fine if they drink as long as they're somewhere safe." The kids would have been fined, I might have been arrested, and this decision could come to haunt them in their college acceptances, their graduations.....their lives. I was convicted in college as a minor under the influence, and I still have to put that on resumes and had to share it on my law school application.
12 - It goes too damned fast. Take some time to celebrate the little moments. Take those afternoons off to go to the zoo. Use the late start days to grab breakfast with the kids. If I could do anything and go back in time I would grab more time with them, little snippets even. I'd go to lunch more often at the elementary schools, I'd show up with more milkshakes when they're in middle school, I'd play at the park whenever they asked. I regret nothing because my daughter turned out pretty incredibly well and it looks like her little brother is going to kick some senior year ass next year.
Congratulations to the class of 2016, and to the parents of those kids. They did it. You did it. We did it.
Thirteen years ago my first-born started kindergarten. Yesterday she graduated with Honors. As my first child, I had really no idea what I was doing. I faked it, sure, but I was scared. I was twenty eight years old, in a struggling marriage, a piano teacher, and running a work/life balance consulting firm. Thirteen years later, I'm creeping up on 41, happily married to Husband 2.0, a successful Realtor, and life is a lot calmer.
Here are the things I learned in 13 years, and though I didn't get the cap and gown yesterday, I felt as though in many ways her accomplishments was a source of pride for me as well.
1 - Volunteer early and often. I learned more from Tori's kindergarten teacher about how to be a good parent and a strong support system for my kids than anyone else. She discovered strengths in the parents that we didn't know we had, whether it was organizing the Thanksgiving art project, to helping with the school's silent auction. Volunteering doesn't stop in elementary school. Find a way to support the schools. Your kids will see the dedication you have towards their district and will have pride that their parents make it stronger.
2 - Coach something. It doesn't have to be a sport. I coached the kid's Destination Imagination team for seven years, two two national competitions, and my kids got to see another side of me that they didn't know. They saw leadership, and motivation, and heartache, and frustration. As a mom, I got to know their peers, and their peer's parents, and they helped provide an incredible support system when the kids and I went through some tough times.
3 - Tough times will happen. Whether you protect them or not, kids will (and should) feel pain. Marriage 1.0 wasn't great for very long, but we fought through to try and make it okay for our kids. When it was finally time to throw in that towel the kids were in second and third grade and I was pretty sure that I had ruined their lives. They both acted out in their own ways (and so did I). So many nights I was sure that I had destroyed their happiness or chances at happiness. My son even had a friend that was told that he wasn't allowed to be friends because his parents were divorced and they only wanted friends with "similar values". But...
4 - Kids are resilient. My kids weren't destroyed by my divorce. They will survive trials and tribulations probably better than most adults. They are protected by a layer of innocence. My ex and I (for the most part) parent pretty well together, though the kids live with me most of the time. They needed stability to be resilient, but that stability didn't mean that I needed to stay married.
5 - Have dinner together. This may sound hokey and old-fashioned and "who really has time for this in this day and age!", but I think this is really important. It doesn't have to be every night, or at the same time, or even a healthy meal, but it does need to be frequent. Often the "How was your day?" question immediately after school is met with a curt, "Fine." It's not until later, over dinner, that the real stories seem to emerge.
6 - Encourage self-advocacy and finishing your own damned science projects. I was always amazed (which is another word for disgusted) at the number of kids that came to the science fair with projects that were completed by the parents. Here's the deal. I graduated from high school once, which means that I finished elementary and survived middle school. Thus, I don't need to do projects again. Doing your kid's projects in elementary school will come back to bite you in the ass in high school when they're not able to get things done, which will come back to bit them in the ass when they get to college and realize they can't even use scissors, which will in turn bite you in the ass a second time when they move back in with you after college and can't get a job because they don't know how to work.
7 - Support the teachers, but have the kids back. My rule was generally I will believe the teacher until given evidence to support something different. For the most part, teachers are pretty great. But they're not perfect. Kids need to know that there's a "Mama Bear" that can come to the rescue when the battle gets too tough. Luckily I only had a couple of "mama bear" moments, but my kids know she was there when they needed her.
8 - Grades aren't everything. If you're in a competitive school district it sure feels like they are. I was guilty of thinking that they were for the longest time. I still have to fight that urge. Kids are so incredibly stressed out right now thinking that they won't get into college unless they have a perfect GPA, but perfection comes at a cost. Perfection prevents you from trying new extra curricular activities, perfection prevents you from enjoying time with friends, perfection prevents you from getting a job. Let it go. If your kids are happy and involved then let it be. Their grades are just that...theirs.
9 - Encourage school based extra-curricular activities. Extra-curricular activities should be fun. Busy kids stay out of trouble. This doesn't mean you need to spend thousands of dollars on club sports or private dance lessons. The beauty of most public and private schools is that there are dozens of clubs and teams. You shouldn't have to pay for the privilege of being on them, though with the growth of club sports that's becoming more of a reality (but that's a rant for another blog.)
10 - It's okay to have "nerds" for kids, in fact, it's probably easier. My kids are pretty naive. They don't party. They hardly date. It's not because they're not attractive, social butterflies, and maybe I don't really know why they've made the choice to not party in high school. Maybe they're too busy. Maybe I'm naive. But what I know is that we have escaped high school without a lot of the drama that happens when kids party all the time and date constantly.
11 - Be the party house, but not the "party" house. Yes, I just said my kids don't party. If you want to prevent that, then control the environment. I've hosted hundreds of kids at the house for cast-parties and have developed a reputation both as the fun house and as the strict house. Because of that when the cops were called to a cast party because the kids were singing too loud at 1:30 in the morning, I could happily let the cops come in, see that there were no illegal activities and the kids could continue celebrating. I can only imagine what would have happened if they were at a house where the parents thought "It's fine if they drink as long as they're somewhere safe." The kids would have been fined, I might have been arrested, and this decision could come to haunt them in their college acceptances, their graduations.....their lives. I was convicted in college as a minor under the influence, and I still have to put that on resumes and had to share it on my law school application.
12 - It goes too damned fast. Take some time to celebrate the little moments. Take those afternoons off to go to the zoo. Use the late start days to grab breakfast with the kids. If I could do anything and go back in time I would grab more time with them, little snippets even. I'd go to lunch more often at the elementary schools, I'd show up with more milkshakes when they're in middle school, I'd play at the park whenever they asked. I regret nothing because my daughter turned out pretty incredibly well and it looks like her little brother is going to kick some senior year ass next year.
Congratulations to the class of 2016, and to the parents of those kids. They did it. You did it. We did it.
Comments