no longer signing permission slips.

And just like that, it's done. I no longer have kids, I have adult children.   When my oldest turned eighteen just over a year ago it took my breath away.  How could I be this old?  Did I do everything right? Does she know how to do everything she needs to know to survive adulthood?

Today, when my "baby" turned eighteen I feel more confident that: yes, I am this old (even though I vividly remember being eighteen myself.); no, I didn't do everything right (but I did a damned good job); and I still don't know everything I need to know to survive adulthood, so why should they?

When I was eighteen, here's what I "knew".

1. I wasn't going to get married and have kids until I was "old" (35) and wanted to settle down and if I ever did get married, I'd be married forever.
2. I was going to go to the University of Chicago for law school.
3. I was going to find a way to be famous by the time I was out of college. 
4. I wasn't going to need my parents help for anything once I was done with school.
5. I was never going to weigh more than I did when I left for college.
6. I was going to stay in touch with very few people from my home town.  

Here's reality:

1. I got married at 20 years old after I graduated early from college. I was pregnant about six months after we got married, miscarried, and then had two kids in rapid succession.  (I was pregnant for three New Years Eves in a row....the first three after turning 21.)   Eleven years into marriage that all went to crap, but the kids and I were resilient and did just fine, thankyouverymuch.  I got married for a second time at 36...when I was old.  
2. University of Chicago still sounds cool.....but I'm glad Connor is heading to school nearby so I can get my Chicago fix.
3. Fame doesn't thrill me any more.  Seems like a headache, actually.
4. My parents have helped me more than I ever imagined, emotionally and financially.  I truly am grateful for their help and look forward to being the same support for my adult children if they need it.
5. I wish that I could go back to that skinny girl that left for college and slap her upside the head and make her eat a sandwich.  Looking back I wasn't healthy at all and because I thought I was, it likely led me to a lifetime of a terrible relationship with food and weight that I'm just now starting to get a handle on. 
6. Because of Facebook I stay in touch with hundreds of people from my hometown and it brings me joy to hear of people's triumphs and provide, and receive, support when times are hard.  I realize that I grew up in the rare air of a true community and I've worked to create that same experience for my children in the city.

So for my kids, who will always be my kids (and I hope they'll always rest their heads on my shoulders in pictures)...no matter how old they are here's what I know:

This grand adventure that we've been on for nearly two decades doesn't end just because I no longer have to sign permission slips.   I will, whether you're 18 or 68, look at you with this look of awe and pride, knowing that I've watched (and guided) you since you took your first breath.  I will celebrate your accomplishments, I will watch as you solve your problems and work to not jump in and solve them for you.  I will support you if the world spins you on a roller coaster, and it will sometimes. I will always work to help fund the grand adventure that is our lives, but I'll still expect you to work hard.  I will always answer when you call.  I will always cook too much food when you come to visit. I will probably always introduce myself as "Tori and Connor's Mom".....even when they're "old"....so 35.

Here's to adulthood.