Never inventory your stress.

In the early days after Pete’s death I searched for “ways to navigate estates without going through probate”.  I also searched for “easy prep meals for one” and “where to donate glasses after someone dies”. Because of those searches I’m inundated on all social media platforms with “how to widow” content and occasionally I take the click-bait and end up down a rabbit hole. 

One of those adventures lead me to the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory, a 43 question survey designed to determine your stressors from the last 12 months and, if your score is above 300, you have an 80% higher chance of a health breakdown in the next two years.  My score was 572.  Their recommendation to lower my stress? “Avoid future crisis situations.” 

If I gave blind credence to this type of derivative test I would become stressed about getting out of stress. I would work to control that which cannot be controlled. I would speed towards that health breakdown. I was tempted to just toss the results aside.

Except, I started reflecting on that test if I did a year over year comparison. When was the last time I was below 300? And, have I been below 300 for multiple years in a row?  I decided to take the test multiple times and find out. 

What I found, frankly, shocked me. I was below 100 for a couple of years post-divorce from my first husband /pre-remarriage to my second. I had a couple of below 200 years after my second marriage before his first breakdown. Outside of that, I have been teetering around 300-600 for most of my adult life. 

Currently my number is wicked, crazy, high and the last thing I need to add is a “health breakdown” to my already boy-howdy teetering on a breakdown 2022. And so, in lieu of ‘avoiding future crisis situations’ I’m doing what I can to stay sane: go to therapy, get massages, go for long walks, take lots of pictures, write, play the piano, travel to the ocean as much as possible, meditate, and sleep as much as I need to without judgment (don’t worry, the judgment comes from myself).

These might have been helpful suggestions to read on the “widow-ing for dummies” Pinterest board instead of “avoid stress” you could “lean into stress reducing activities”.  Maybe there’s a test out there that says “playing fetch with your dog takes away 2 points for every day you do it”.  Fifty days of fetch erases death of spouse - an unlikely trade off.  

I also think, and if you take the test you’ll see, the #1 stressors seem to come as a direct result of being married so I’m definitely going to avoid that. Going back to school? Changing careers? Family health challenges? These possibilities are very much on the table right now so that’s stress I cannot avoid.  We’ll see if the stress reducing activities can keep up.